Confession, Reflection, and New Poem: ‘Blue Blood’

What I love about going to church is that I always feel better afterwards.

I love my friends. So much. I wouldn’t trade all of these little families I’ve made for just one hand, just one heart.

That being said, it’s still sometimes hard to be friends with my friends. Some people feel judged because of their looks, their race, their sexual orientation, their money or lack thereof. I sometimes feel judged by my friends for still being single.

If you think I’m just a spoiled little girl who’s just complaining because she’s lonely and because some people have something she doesn’t, you don’t know me at all.

My friends try very hard to solve this “problem” for me, so much so that I sometimes wonder why they and I can’t find happiness in my multitude of other successes. I am very blessed. I am very happy.

Though others may try to define me with this, I don’t define my life based on one thing. I am trying to refine my life my removing negative emotions which weigh me down. This is why I write.

This morning, I was in a terrible mood, and I wrote this poem.

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Emo caption: “A child I once babysat told me that freckles are angel’s kisses. I guess even kisses can be blue with the right lighting.”

I took this on the high trestle trail bridge near Ames. If you’ve never been, I highly recommend it. On the car ride there and the car ride back, I told my new honorary big brother many secrets, ideas, and fears. I’ve been talking to a lot of people about these things recently, and thus I wrote this poem:

Blue Blood
By Maggie McGinity

Irrational child never learned

All the things that would make her stomach churn, how
Mild and meaningful moments can burn

Somewhere, so far, someone is laughing
Only wonder is how she’s hearing

Failure? I’ve failed you.
Understand, please,
Can’t you see
Keeping up with you
Isn’t easy for me?
Not that I’m not trying to.
Gotta let me off easy.

Addendum to the college years
Never let me live in fear
God knows all I do for you
Rivals and romance and friends, to boot
You only see a girl without a suit

I can’t make you make me happy

All the nudges and whispers and joking suggestions
Mock every well-earned urge of apprehension

Somewhere, so near, is a door and a lock
Opening it takes all that I’ve got

Very, very long time ago
Everything that I’ll ever know
Reinforced how different I am from you
You choose me, sometimes, but you never knew

Speaking to others got me here
Over and over, I re-live the fear
Remembering how friends pushed me then
Remembering how the word ‘friend’
Young girl of only three, learned

Never to believe
Over and over, it’s proven true.
Waste not your will on me. You know not what you do.”

Quotes:

“But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You’ve been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

If you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?”
-“Pompeii” by Bastille

“I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Every step that I take is another mistake to you

And every second I waste is more than I can take”
-“Numb” by Linkin Park

You want a revelation,
You wanna get it right
But it’s a conversation,
I just can’t have tonight
You want a revelation, some kind of resolution
Tell me what you want me to say.”
-“No Light, No Light” by Florence + The Machine

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